Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
