at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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