i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
