he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
