Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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