I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
