Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
