Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
