I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize