Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
