I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
