Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
