HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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