Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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