I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
