after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
