I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
