My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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