The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
