i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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