apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
