Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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