His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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