Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
