I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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