some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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