Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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