sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
