Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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