If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
