I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize