I am midnight drunk by noon
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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