dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
