Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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