so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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