i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
