be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
