This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
