How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
