I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
