Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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