She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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