i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
