My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
