Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
