There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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