The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
