literally had 100 drinks last night.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Two words: blizzard sex
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
