Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
