Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
