i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
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