I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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