did you get engaged???
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize