they need to just BURY HIM!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
