he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
