Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
