I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
