Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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