the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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