I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
