i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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