I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
