I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
well you can't waste a boner
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
