i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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