last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
I wish you could order shots online.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
did i just pee glitter
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
