I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
