I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
