this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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