I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
