I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
