Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
