wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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